Breaking free from the superwoman myth

Nilanjana Bhowmick’s latest work debunks the myth and serves as both a testament and an instruction manual on navigating a man’s world.

Nilanjana Bhowmick urges women not to overlook their “moments of enlightenment” when they embark on a self-reflective journey, freeing their minds from the stress and anxiety of never-ending to-do lists.  | Photo Credit: Getty Images/iStockphoto

“Women don’t need to be perfect—they just need to relax and cut themselves some slack. In fact, a lot of slack.”

In the age of “girlbosses”, “bossladies”, and “sheroes”, Nilanjana Bhowmick eloquently captures what many women have felt but may not have articulated—that it is not only okay but better not to have it all. In her latest book, How Not to Be a Superwoman, Bhowmick guides us through the journeys of numerous women who have reached their own understanding of how they wish to spend their lives. Women who put their collective feet down, even as they excelled in their careers, rejecting societal pressure to conform to the roles of dutiful daughters, loving wives, self-sacrificing daughters-in-law, ever-present mothers, and nurturing friends.

How Not To Be A Superwoman

A Handbook for Women to Survive the Patriarchy

By Nilanjana Bhowmick

Penguin Ebury Press

Pages:240 

Price:Rs.499

Bhowmick’s latest work continues to delve into the “superwoman syndrome,” expanding on themes from her previous book Lies Our Mothers Told Us. While How Not to Be a Superwoman returns toBhowmick’s signature approach of centring women’s lived experiences, it goes further, not only shedding light on the challenges women encounter but also offering concrete solutions. The book serves both as a testament to the struggles women endure within patriarchal systems as also a practical handbook for navigating and thriving despite them.

Bogged down by a migraine, I began to read this book to distract myself—and found to my surprise that Bhowmick mentions migraines right in the introduction: “Women experience stress-related health problems such as headaches and sleep disturbances more often than men. And it won’t be too much of a stretch to say that this stems from the pressure to be ‘superwoman’ at all points in time. I cannot imagine a time when I haven’t suffered from migraines; I feel like I was born with this as an inherent condition”.

This was a reckoning I was not ready for. In page after page, the book made me feel as if it were tailor-made for me. Discovering my own experiences mirrored within the pages of this book was at once incredibly heartening and disheartening. It made me realise that we are all tired and fed up: tired of proving ourselves over and over again in every single space and fed up of still being not considered enough.

The hoax of perfectionism

Bhowmick shares stories of women from diverse backgrounds—across class, caste, region, and sexuality—who have grown up in patriarchal households, endured abusive relationships, and navigated toxic workplaces, even as they strove to find a moment of respite and a sense of self-worth. She emphasises how women are conditioned to pursue perfection in every aspect of their lives, often at the expense of their own well-being. This relentless pursuit can lead to neglecting personal needs, resulting in chronic fatigue, anxiety, depression, insomnia, and frequent headaches.

She draws upon various studies and researches to illustrate how women are socially conditioned to prioritise the needs of others over their own. This often results in difficulty declining requests without experiencing guilt or stress over potential consequences. Importantly, she emphasises that this struggle is not limited to women in India—it is a global phenomenon. Across the world, women grapple with prioritising their well-being. The inability to say no and set boundaries contributes to heightened levels of stress and anxiety. Individuals who struggle with boundary-setting commonly report experiencing elevated stress and anxiety levels.

How to break through

Bhowmick urges women not to overlook their “moments of enlightenment”; she describes these as “epiphanies” marked by a profound reckoning. During these moments, women embark on a self-reflective journey, freeing their minds from the stress and anxiety of never-ending to-do lists. These are the times when they are fully present with themselves. She argues that these moments can occur at any stage of life, whether in our twenties, thirties, forties, or later, but they do come for sure: “The moment when we start questioning things rather than accepting them at face value is the time when our entire life kind of unspools and we realise that of the million minutes that seem to comprise our day, we don’t get many for ourselves.”

At this juncture, more often than not, a woman tends to put her foot down, saying that enough is enough. This moment marks the beginning of a journey where she consciously and responsibly rejects the notion of being a superwoman. She realises that the world continues to function perfectly well regardless, and this was only one of the many “frauds” that have been played against women, as Manju Maai wisely puts it in Laapataa Ladies.

After this realisation, the next step is to cultivate the habit of saying no—not a no accompanied by lengthy explanations or feelings of guilt, but a straightforward and unapologetic refusal. Bhowmick poses some hard-hitting questions: “If you’re losing yourself in the process of keeping everyone else happy, is it even worth it? You’re not coffee, pizza, or even chai—you don’t need to keep everyone happy. It’s not your job. Instead, focus on yourself. Do you feel at peace with yourself?”

That said, Bhowmick acknowledges the deeper reasons behind women’s struggle to say no. Often, it stems from fear of reprisal and violence, particularly in India where casual violence against women is normalised. Additionally, it can be attributed to social conditioning; from a young age, women are taught to be docile and agreeable.

Recognising and actively addressing generational trauma is another crucial aspect of stepping away from the superwoman ideal. Bhowmick delves into numerous life stories, which could be triggering to read owing to their relatability, that tell of how women inherit trauma (instead of ancestral property). This trauma can stem from various sources, including domestic abuse, sexual abuse, addiction, historical conflicts, and more.

Bhowmick emphasises that breaking the cycle of intergenerational trauma necessitates open discussions about traumatic experiences, sharing wisdom, and raising awareness about the issue. It is crucial to talk to children about inherited trauma and its origins. The journey of breaking the cycle of trauma begins with actively acknowledging its presence, followed by seeking the necessary treatment, with an abundance of care and empathy.

While the book may be subtitled “A handbook for women to survive the patriarchy”, it is meant just as much for men. Indeed, it is an invitation to all individuals to reflect on their roles and responsibilities within intimate relationships, family, and society and understand how they knowingly or unknowingly perpetuate patriarchy and harm women. Through candid storytelling, insightful analysis, and practical advice, Bhowmick encourages readers to break free from the confines of the superwoman ideal. Like Sara Ahmed’s The Feminist Killjoy Handbook, this book, too, is a warm comforting hug to women who have bravely chosen to embrace their autonomy.

Anjali Chauhan is a doctoral researcher at Department of Political Science, University of Delhi.